This song was weird, and anything that was weird was definitely good. The second song Paimona was more intriguing. This time it was this mixed feeling of overflowing love and devastating emptiness because that love had no direction. I couldn't trace back the cause of that blooming feeling, I was transfixed between something that I felt for that guy and something that seemed like an internal process.
I didn't want to listen to their other compositions because they were Hindi and I wondered if, after I understood the meaning I would still love it. I judge songs, I judge the lyrics, the music, the people who write it, the people who listen to it.. In short its my favorite game. Their songs was changing something in me making me breathe a feeling I had never experienced. Or maybe their music was just another spectator watching me form, and take the shape of a person I always only assumed I was. Their music was witnessing a girl who was amazed at simplicity.. and understanding something beyond music, beyond lyricists, beyond a change that is hard to see within a circle.
Yes, there were a lot of problems that were massacring the ideal image of all the people I had in my life. The thin line between surrealism and reality was disappearing. Imogen Heap added her wonder addictive song 'Speeding cars' to top it all.
My meeting with that certain person went well. She explained me why discovering myself was important, and that there was only one way I could put myself back in my shoes and start walking after the long halt I took for almost five years and that was only by loving and nurturing that 'other me', unwilling to grow. She also told me that I could still fall in love with someone else while I was falling in love with myself. I was happy yesterday for the first time after a very long time, and no expressing that feeling wasn't necessary, or so I realized.
I came downstairs to the library where I study and I played this different song by Zeb and Haniya. Chal Diye. And the feeling was overwhelming. I am sure what they wrote is not what I interpreted but there was something more than just music that made me crave for it. I didn't understand the lyrics. And it was frustrating.
I could fantasize myself sing that song for this guy I really liked and so I ended up posting it on his wall(Facebook) wishing that he understands what it means and explains it to me, of course with a tad bit of romance in it.
But as I stood reading the lyrics in the form of a poem I eventually made a little sense out of the song. Looking at it as a whole episode of this sky pale orange color feeling, it could be start of a new beautiful day or may be just the ceasing of a really bad one. Chal diye was different, ignoring my lack of music knowledge I still felt it was not their normal 'song'.
I was shaking terribly when I did completely feel what maybe I was meant to feel. Although I haven't confessed to him that I like him I feel compelled to stay quiet and let it all in.This feeling is probably very unique to me, or may be not. All I know is that if I could exchange anything for this feeling of completeness I would.
The song made me realize that the circle drew within itself limits and the dot stagnation, and that my whole belief (assumption) that a circle had to be viewed by everyone in exactly the same way as I did, fell apart. If I hadn't found the source of my completion, I did now. It was me and it was the song, it was the stranger who by the growing second I was falling in love with, my twin sister completing my sentences, my best friend screaming when I call her up, my ex boyfriends, my fuck ups, my mistakes, it was the warmth of that hand holding me on a cold night, little sighs of my dog before he completely fell asleep, or maybe just all the simple things.
I was happy after a long time, and I know its just a first.
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